This question is problematic, for it assumes that we are, in fact, here, when we might very well be somewhere else. Additionally, the question of "why" implies some sort of cause-and-effect relation between the questionable matter of our existence and some other facet of that existence. But there is none. We are wherever it is that we are only because that is where we happen to be, and nothing more.

Carpentron began as a band with a single member, Chris Torgersen (who, incidentally, enjoys writing about himself in third person).

The concept of Carpentron has expanded over the years and has become something of a general pseudonym for Mr. Torgersen in other realms (e.g., writing, website tomfoolery) as well. While there is a general feeling of playful absurdity, Carpentron is deeply interested in serious issues as well, and serious answers can often be found scattered among the oddities here on this site.

I have a foolproof method. I call it Physical Weight Removal. Essentially, you just remove any parts of your body that you don't need. For instance, there's a lot of pointless intestine in your gut. Just get it taken out. And if you don't talk much, do you really need a tongue? The real hardcore PWR believers know that the best weight loss strategy is simply killing oneself. You are guaranteed not to gain weight ever again.

It would chuck no wood. The ability to chuck wood would not create a desire to do so. I see nothing motivating a woodchuck to chuck wood in its daily routine. It would be a really pointless ability, really.

Yes. I'm sorry, but this seat is indeed taken. You're going to need to find a different seat.

You should hire me because I have assets that meet your organization's needs. You have something that needs to be done? Well, I'm the man for the job! That, and because I shall rain fire upon your children for seven generations if you do not hire me.

African or European?

Really, according to Answers.com, "The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles per hour, beating its wings 7-9 times per second (rather than 43). But please note that a 5 ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut. "

All except this one.

I'm not Herb.

Yes, and I am his earthly avatar. Kneel before me and do my bidding!

It ends when you die. All this blathering about objective reality is hogwash. The only world is the one inside your head, and once your head is worm food, so is the world.

Ah, the "why" again. Look, there is no reason. It's not karma, and it's not a vengeful god, and it's not the devil. The amount you suffer is not related to how good you are or what you have done in any direct way. People suffer because fate is cruel in its apathy.

No. We are here, not there. There is, by virtue of being "there", not here. Therefore, we are not there.